A Month of Heavy Hearts and Minds

NOTE: Last month we talked about managing stress, and instead of pulling away from this topic and switching to a lighter, more plant based topic I feel like we need to keep talking after the month we’ve just had. Or maybe I need to keep talking. Regardless, if you need light&fluffy to protect your energy, just skip this post for now. <3 

On the last day of Mental Health Awareness Month I find myself pondering my own mental health, loss of loved ones to mental illness, and the collective mental health of our community. I have long held a belief that our societal definitions of mental illness have more to do with the discomfort of the community surrounding an affected individual than the well being of that individual for their own sake. I am not entirely sure if we would seek to treat or cure people simply to alleviate their own suffering. That has not been my personal experience in seeking help at least, nor my observation of when and how certain mental ailments *can* be treated or supported by the healthcare system. 

 I notice a pattern. What I have observed is a society that manages the effects of mental illness only if it is a hindrance on the surrounding community, or interferes with commerce. There are scripts that trigger action and no matter how bad you’re suffering, nothing but that script will lead to any treatment. When in school the script is academic-performance based. Doctors will help you if you were worried you won’t pass your classes without support. After school/college it is commerce. Mental health care services and referrals often used a baseline of ‘can I do my job properly?’ to determine eligibility for services. I personally hate having to invoke the very force (capitalism) that causes me so much anxiety, to access care for my anxiety. 

(You may notice a glaring omission here of suicidal ideation and/or harm attempts, which I wish I could say universally lead to treatment, care, and proper referrals when reported, but that has not been my experience nor observation in others. A heart wrenching but worthy discussion that will have to wait for another time. To be clear this means keep trying for help and support and always call if you’re scared for yourself or other’s harm intentions 1-800-273-8255) 

Why am I telling you this? On a farm page? 

Because a lot of reasons. 

Because farmers are notoriously stressed out, underpaid, undersupported, ill treated and working with the continuous and urgent needs of baby plants headed for market. Farmers are also usually self employed and that makes health care incredibly expensive, even by American standards. 

Because even with the best insurance and doctors and access, sometimes you need advocacy and support and that requires community. I hear the word community invoked as a curative power so often, but the really humbling and often grisly work of showing up for people when they are NOT OK is such a different story. Because the work is chronic, usually - it can take repeated attempts to find providers that are helpful, or to stay sober, or to find the right medication, or to get back up if a stumble is taken and try AGAIN. 

Because we are human. Because capitalism requires us to go to work before we are ready and put on a brave face, no matter what is happening in your head that day, or your heart, or the community’s grief as we suffer another loss to preventable violence but are asked to keep going and get back to “normal” as quickly as possible.  All without connections to ancestral tools for griefwork, oftentimes. Heal the fastest with the least resources, over and over.

And that is in itself insanity, and I am scared for us. All of us. 

I worry now that instead of changing our ways, we’ve adjusted or tolerated the definition of sanity to include observing terrible suffering in other humans nearby and doing nothing, collectively, because it is happening “too much” to ever stop. Being asked to suppress the natural urge to DO SOMETHING about it, with that pent up energy. I worry the status quo is stronger than our compassion, or distracts us from our values just long enough to entrap us again and again. Or some other explanation, I almost do not care why it is so, rather that it STOP. 

What is most humbling to me is that I suspect *all* efforts, in concert, are required to get better as a community. We need advocacy on a personal level, helping each other access needed services and bearing witness to help prevent the broken and incomplete systems from failing in the first place. We need non-punitive systems to support folks through mental health crises that don’t include the cops. We need to think more critically about what the individual finds helpful, and what is the difference between harm reduction for them and “discomfort avoidance” for oneself. 

If that were to happen AND the institutional barriers were removed to access high quality mental health care, insurance, trauma informed providers, medications, culturally appropriate services, etc - then I think we would see a profound change in our collective wellbeing. 

Of course, mental health care will not remove Poverty, Racism, Interpersonal Violence, Housing Shortages, and a myriad of other, very real and traumatic issues and so it seems important to point out that maybe part of the reason everyone is laden with anxiety and depression (as a baseline) is because they are paying attention? Conversely, solving social issues won’t eradicate all mental illness, to be clear, but these things are all factors in the dynamic. 

I am not an overly hopeful person, but my belief in contingency plans is strong. I believe in collective + iterative improvements and progress. For some, it will take all the luck, all the contingencies, all the privilege and advocacy combined to get any help. For others it will be one of many attempts, an arbitrary one thing that works at the right time and so all the things had to be employed even though they nearly all ultimately failed, to find the thing that does help. Some get lucky and get helped right away. Some cannot be saved from harm no matter what is done. Since I won’t know who’s who or what will be helpful, when the time comes I just do everything I reasonably can and pivot without judgment as I learn better, each and every time if I’m being honest. A rodeo of empathy and boundaries, let’s say. 

And so, I believe it takes all the things happening on all the levels for lasting change to occur and that sounds daunting and makes me feel small, some days. But it doesn’t sound impossible. Compassion on an individual level, for self and others - including being cautious not to blame victims of systemic oppression for their expression of that grief. Connected communities that don’t seek to punish those with mental illness. Effective health care systems that are equitable and trauma informed and accessible. I don’t think those are mythical ideas, or unreachable utopias - I am just uncertain how this is supposed to unfold. 

I studied trauma and healing in humans for 2 decades before I came to farming. I think part of why I came to farming is my need to feel connected and find community that shared my core values. In my past career I would quip that “everything is connected” and here I am still saying - you know, it really is all connected. I want everyone to have enough to eat, a safe place to sleep, access to education, a government that works, justice for wrongs done, healthcare and security nets and …. I think we would see a lot less mental health crises if those things were already accessible. I think we focus on those who have been *hurt by* instead of those *profiting from* these broken systems because it is more attainable feeling to solve the individual-level issue. 

I am grappling with how to stay curious and not let the fear and fatigue get to me as I think on these issues and I am trying hard to hold space for better things that I cannot yet fully understand. Whatever help we need, I hope we all find it. 

If you or someone you know is considering suicide or self harm you can always call:

1-800-273-8255 

1-800-273-TALK

Written By Domenika Radonich